LESSONS FROM MY CHILDREN

 

On Father’s Day we traditionally reflect on the importance of fathers and the impact they have on children. This year, I am choosing to reflect on the impact children have on fathers. This topic would not be discussed when I was a child. I was raised at a time when it appeared as though children were to be seen and not heard. Their opinions rarely mattered. The opinions of children seem to matter only in response to information provided – like in an exam room.

Interestingly, our children expressed themselves. Rudeness was not allowed, but opinions were encouraged. It was that freedom that allowed our son to respond, “me and you alone?” He was responding to my invitation to have breakfast with him. The teenager continued, “what is there to talk about?” However, a few years later, after having breakfast with him alone, he phoned his mother to report that he had just experienced the best two hours of his life. He admitted to her that he never realized that his Dad was so wise.

Years later, his younger sister resented the counsel I provided regarding a particular matter. Without uttering the words, her body language suggested that I was out of touch with her generation. As she matured, a friend counseled her about a more appropriate way to handle a matter. She thought her friend’s counsel was profound. I gently reminded her that it was the same counsel I gave to her years earlier. To this she replied, “Daddy, you were correct then, but I was not ready to receive it.” 

Wow! Both she and her brother taught me that wise counsel must be age appropriate both in delivery and receptivity. Recipients must be sufficiently mature to value the counsel given. As parents, we often assume that the children need our wisdom, but we need to be equally aware that they may not be sufficiently prepared to apply that truth from us. At times, they receive that same truth from others. For this we must be grateful, even though we were not the messengers.

From childhood, our three children respected my role as their father. That respect extended to my role as teacher which was shared outside the home. Our eldest daughter tested my teacher role when she was preparing for college. She was prepared to pursue her studies in Architecture. At that time, my wife and I were pursuing advanced studies. Although funds were scarce, we were determined to assist her to realize her dreams. 

After much research, we had to choose between two universities. One was our daughter’s choice. It was the better school, but also the more expensive school. Because of the cost, I encouraged her to consider the less expensive school. To this she replied, “Daddy, whichever I choose, you will have to trust God to provide the funds for us. Why can’t you trust God to provide for the better school?” I had no reply, and she applied and graduated from the better school.

That question has resurfaced so often in other situations – why can’t you trust God for the better school? That question has driven me to pursue excellence and resent mediocrity. As a Christian minister, it has radicalized my understanding of God’s ability to provide. Far too often we associate God with the less elegant and call it modesty. Sometimes we even embrace cheapness and shoddiness and believe we are being gracious. 

At this season in my life I embrace a God who invites me “to sing new songs” to Him. That is an invitation to be innovative, to be spontaneous and to be creative. Even in describing a scene in heaven, John wrote, “The sound I heard was like that of harpists playing their harps. And they sang a new song before the throne…” (Revelation 14:2-3).

On this Father’s Day, I thank God for my children, and now my grandchildren. They are continuing to teach me that it is okay to trust God for something better. They remind me that it is godly to pursue excellence and creativity.

WHEN LEADERS FIGHT

 In his volume, A Knot of Vipers, Francois Mauriac (1885-1970), tells the story of an old man who spent the last decades of his marriage, in the same house, but down the hall from his wife. A rift opened 30 years earlier about whether the husband showed enough concern, when their five-year-old daughter took ill. Neither husband nor wife was willing to take the first step to bring healing. Every night they waited for each other to initiate an approach. Neither one would break the cycle that began decades earlier. Neither will forgive.

The absence of forgiveness kills joy and creates toxic relationships. If you doubt me, ask President Donald Trump and Elon Musk. After what appeared to be a cordial working relationship, Musk expressed his disagreement with the Congressional spending bill. He thought it was “a disgusting abomination”. That led to the two leaders trading fierce social barbs.

Thankfully, at the time of writing this commentary, the leaders began to soften their toxic rhetoric. The President was “open to reconciling” and Elon Musk had regrets for posts about the President. Hopefully, this toning down will lead to apologies about personal attacks. Whereas disagreeing with policy is okay, assassinating one’s character is unacceptable. That kind of warfare is unproductive and costly.

Since the public spat began, Musk’s Tesla stock price plunged by 14%, wiping out more than $150 billion from its market cap. The prospect of Musk’s SpaceX losing even some of its government contracts would hurt. Could a drawn-out fight mean that Trump would somehow hamstring Musk’s xAI even as he champions other American artificial intelligence companies? The truth is, should reconciliation fail, both men and many others will suffer greatly. 

If we could only give more thought to “the others who suffer greatly”, many of our conflicts will be resolved more speedily. Conflict resolution requires vulnerability, humility, truthfulness, respectful communication techniques, mutually beneficial collaboration and de-escalation techniques.

The apostle Paul recommended some of these conflict management principles when he responded to two church sisters who experienced conflicts  (Philippians 4:2-3). Paul’s wording would suggest that this was a personal disagreement or a clash of personalities. To mention the names of the conflicting women in a public letter, could suggest that the issue became a threat to the church.

The nature of Paul’s appeal for resolution further suggests the magnitude of the problem. He repeats the use of the verb beseech to ensure that each woman was appropriately addressed. His appeal was simple – “agree with each other.” In other words, be at one in your mental attitude. The women were allowing their differing opinions to affect their attitudes to each other. Their personal differences seemed to be more important than the welfare of others. In conflict management, personal differences must be balanced properly. Otherwise, our differences can undermine progress and stifle diversity and variety. For Paul, and hopefully for us, the welfare of others must remain primary in managing conflict.  

The victims in any conflict are usually more than the warring parties. The warring parties usually suspend the strengths that unite them and resort to behavior that divide. Paul used an athletic metaphor to describe how the women contended with him in ministry. Like in a tug-of-war game, they struggled together.  They had a common goal and achieved much. Contenders for the faith became contentious in behavior. That behavior was ruining their reputation and legacy. Their disagreement was also disrupting existing opportunities for ministry.

From his prison cell, Paul recommended three principles for resolving conflicts:

1. Look for impartial counselors;

2. Appeal to common bonds; and

3. If necessary, suffer personal loss, because of “those who will suffer greatly”.

In the interest of “those who will suffer greatly”,  it is preferred that we learn to forgive, and to practice using terms like “I am sorry “and “I apologize”. Recent research in the Social Sciences confirms that “forgiveness releases an offender from prolonged anger, rage and stress that have been linked to physiological problems, such as cardiovascular diseases, high blood pressure, hypertension, cancer and other psychosomatic illnesses.” And, never forget the biblical teaching, “if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18).

IS MY CHURCH A CULT?

No church is perfect. Since Jesus stated, “…I will build my church and the gates of Hades will not overcome it” (Matthew 16:18), the church has been confronted with numerous challenges. Because of these challenges, the church has become more resilient as a community of overcomers. 

Strategies of overcoming were evident from within the New Testament. The fledgling church confronted Jewish influences. Among them was Apollos, a native of Alexandria. “He knew only the baptism of John.” When Priscilla and Aquila heard him, “they invited him to their home and explained the way of God more adequately” (Acts 18:24).

Other confrontations required more than a home visit. Some opponents were reprimanded publicly, some were shunned and even excommunicated. In each case, an assessment was necessary, and the appropriate discipline applied. Discipline was applied after determining if the issues concerned doctrinal beliefs or the practicing of those beliefs.

Sometimes we describe deviant behavior among Christian groups as cultic. Cultic groups are usually led by charismatic and self-appointed leaders, who tightly control members, requiring unwavering devotion to a set of beliefs. Here are a few forms of control that cultic groups normally display:

■ Behavior Control: An individual’s associations, living arrangements, food, clothing, sleeping habits, finances, etc., are strictly controlled.
■ Information Control: Cult leaders deliberately withhold or distort information, lie, propagandize, and limit access to other sources of information.

■ Thought Control: Cult leaders use loaded words and language, discourage critical thinking, bar any speech critical of cult leaders or policies, and teach an “us vs. them” doctrine.
■ Emotional Control: Leaders manipulate their followers via fear (including the fear of losing salvation, fear of excommunication, etc.), guilt, and indoctrination.

Earlier, we established that the church belongs to Jesus. The apostle Paul contended that “Jesus loved the church and gave himself up for her…” (Ephesians 5:25). Hence, it is reasonable to expect members of the church to know, love and obey the Owner. Cults have a problem with knowing, loving and obeying Jesus. Some see Him as an angel, a mere prophet, a shaman or even a guru. 

The core of the Christian message is the historical Jesus of the New Testament. In his letter to the Galatians, Paul contends, any message without the historical Jesus as the center, is not the Christian message. Jesus deserves more than a prominent place, he must have the only place. “If anyone,” contends Paul, “ is preaching to you a gospel other than what you accepted, let them be under God’s curse” (Galatians 1:9).

Cultic leaders normally see themselves, or are seen by followers, as chosen by and as authoritative as Jesus. They demand absolute obedience as Jesus would. Their writings are revered as the teachings of Jesus. Some cultic leaders would even claim exclusive access to Jesus via dreams and revelational insight. 

That alleged insight authorizes them to ignore acceptable principles of interpreting the Scriptures. They show total disregard for orthodoxy and scholarship with the wider community of faith. Coupled with this is an attitude of isolation and exclusivism. They listen to no one else but themselves. They see themselves as beyond needing counsel from other leaders within the community of faith. Following the dictates of their founder, one group sees itself as the remnant church. In essence, we are the true church. 

Now if you witness these cultic outcomes, along with fiscal mismanagement and inappropriate sexual behavior among your leaders, you need to withdraw from that group. You need to seek help from others in the wider community of believers. You need to consider Paul’s words to the Colossians: “See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the elemental spiritual forces of this world rather than on Christ” (Colossians 2:8).

TAKE A BREAK AND SAY THANKS

 

 

During this Memorial Day, the United States will be remembering about 1 ½ million persons who have lost their lives in battle. Many of the freedoms we enjoy today, are because of the sacrifices others made. Memorial Day provides a tremendous opportunity to be grateful because of those who died while serving in the country’s armed forces.  

Gratitude is a basic human emotion. It is expressed in some way by all ancient and modern cultures. According to Dr. Robert Emmons, a leading gratitude researcher and author of the book, Thanks! How Practicing Gratitude Can Make You Happier, the idea of receiving a gift is central to the concept of gratitude.

While merely appreciating something for its positive qualities does have a positive impact on our lives and emotions, gratitude takes the next step beyond. Gratitude happens when we go beyond just appreciating something to acknowledging that we have received something that we did nothing to earn or deserve. On some level, the warm emotional rush we feel when we really feel gratitude is very much like the glow we feel from realizing we are unconditionally loved.

New research shows that practicing gratitude may be the fastest single pathway to happiness, health, long life, and prosperity. In a remarkable study performed by Dr. Emmons, people who kept a gratitude journal for just three weeks measured 25% higher on a life satisfaction scale. They exercised more, drank alcohol less, and their families and friends noticed that they were nicer to be around. And the effects lasted for several months beyond the initial three week study.

Other studies on gratitude confirm these results. People who take the time to notice and appreciate the good things that come their way through grace, or luck, or the goodness of others are happier and more peaceful. They do better on cognitive tests and tests of problem solving skills. They practice healthier habits, have better relationships, are more optimistic and live longer. Gratitude is one powerful emotion.

The power of gratitude is illustrated in the story of the ten lepers, recorded in Luke’s gospel. Of the ten lepers that were healed, one returned to say thanks. There are at least three lessons we can learn from that thankful leper:

1. Giving thanks is an intentional act of looking back. Giving thanks requires reflection. Furthermore, it assumes appreciation for the thing received. As an intentional act, giving thanks demands that we rearrange our priorities and make space for this expression of appreciation.

2. Giving thanks is an expression of thoughtfulness. Giving thanks provides opportunities to affirm others. It esteems and validates others. The person giving thanks chooses to shine the floodlight on the giver and the gift received.

3. Giving thanks is a display of humility. In giving thanks, one is acknowledging that a desire has been met. In expressing thanks, one is becoming vulnerable, in that one is affirming that there was a need and that need was met. Actually, giving thanks undermines pride and focuses on others. In essence, giving thanks tenderizes one’s attitudes.

Behavioral scientists are now confirming that people with a greater level of gratitude tend to have stronger relationships in that they appreciate their loved ones more. Studies confirm that thankful people are happier, display improved mental alertness, sleep better and tend to be healthier. Thankful people are also better equipped to offer emotional support to others.

Research confirms that thankful people take better care of themselves and engage in more protective health behaviors. They tend to be more optimistic, a characteristic that researchers say boosts the immune system. Did you know that optimistic patients are better prepared to undergo surgery and experience better health outcomes?

In his letter to the Ephesians, Paul contended that thankfulness is a product of the control of the Holy Spirit in Christians (Ephesians 5:18-21). Paul argues that when a Christian is “filled/controlled with the Spirit”, that Christian acquires an appreciative disposition. I pray that that disposition will be very visible in you and me during Memorial Day ceremonies.

DOES YOUR CHURCH BRING VALUE?

 Sociologists use the term “social capital” in reference to “the networks of relationships among people who live and work in a particular society, enabling the society to function effectively.” Social capital is the resources, networks and relationships that exist within communities. This kind of capital contributes to trust, reciprocity, mutual support and collective action among individuals and groups within society.

Religion, and more specifically the church, makes a significant contribution to social capital within communities. By fostering trust, reciprocity, and collective action, social capital contributes to the development of societies and enhances the overall quality of life for individuals and communities alike.

For instance, the phenomenon of education for the masses has its roots in Christianity. Christianity shattered the idea of education for the elite only. It gave rise to the concept of education for everyone. Furthermore, the idea of the university has its roots in Christianity as well. The greatest universities worldwide were started by Christians for Christian purposes.  It was because of the sweat and sacrifice of Christians that Oxford, Cambridge, Harvard, Yale, Princeton, and other universities were created.

The idea of education for everyone grew directly out of the Christian Reformation. Agreed, there were sporadic attempts at educational reform before the sixteenth century, especially under the reign of Charlemagne. But after his death in AD 814, major attempts at education for everyone died. It wasn’t until the Bible became the focal point of Christianity again that education for the masses was reborn. The invention of the printing press in the fifteenth century was significant in this development.

The contribution of Christianity to social capital was also evident in civil liberties, medicine, the Arts, economics and sexuality. Influencing the disciplines was what Jesus had in mind when He called his followers salt and light. His followers were expected to make a difference wherever they were placed. His followers were expected to bring flavor, preservation and reduce darkness. Unfortunately, some professing Christians have contributed to decay and darkness at specific periods in history. However, those negatives represent the exception, and not the rule.

In his letter to young Timothy, Paul admonished him to pray for everyone, especially for those in national leadership. Why? “… that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. This is good and pleases God our Savior…” (1 Timothy 2:1-3). In another letter, Paul challenged the Romans to “live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:16-18).

The Bible expects Christian churches to make a difference in the communities in which they are located. In other words, what would your community miss should your church relocate? Some communities would miss the after-school programs, others the soup kitchens for the less fortunate, the creative arts classes and sports clinics.

I can only hope that your list would include activities that facilitate character change. Activities that result in spiritual conversion, emotional healing, forgiveness and reconciliation. Like Satan, our mission is not to steal, kill and destroy life, but rather to facilitate superabundant living that Jesus provides.

The Christian church is much more than real estate property in the community. It is social capital, bringing value and meaning to life. It undermines crime. It promotes the institution of marriage. It is salt, bringing flavor and avoiding corruption. It is God’s light in the kingdom of darkness. What a privilege to be a part of the institution, Jesus referred to as HIS CHURCH.

 

THE PROCESS OF SELECTING RELIGIOUS LEADERS

 A few days ago, American-born Cardinal Robert Francis Prevost was elected the 267^th Roman Catholic Pope. Electors from  the College of Cardinals met in the Sistine Chapel, in the Vatican City, to elect the new Pope.

The process of electing Pope Leo was carefully structured and followed a sacred procedure. Prior to the election, cardinals were locked inside the Sistine Chapel for the entirety of the election process, with no contact with the outside world. All cardinals, less than eighty years of age, were eligible to vote.

They entered the Chapel chanting the hymn “Come, Holy Spirit”. The chapel was secured to ensure complete secrecy. Voting was by secret ballot, handwritten on paper. Each cardinal wrote and submitted the name of his chosen candidate. Ballots were collected, counted and burned. A candidate must receive a two-thirds majority of the votes to be elected Pope.

As a non-Catholic, I was particularly intrigued with the process. Everything was done to ensure that the process was solemn and impartial. I was also enthralled by the response of the thousands of Catholics awaiting the outcome of the conclave. As the white smoke appeared from the chimney, onlookers cheered, prayed and wept. Their expressions of joy preceded the actual announcement of the person elected.

I believe a similar joy was expressed among the disciples when they selected Matthias to replace Judas, who committed suicide after betraying Jesus. The book of Acts records that about 120 persons gathered for prayer. Among those who met with the disciples were Mary, the mother of Jesus and her other sons (Acts 1:14).

Two men met the criteria to replace Judas. However, they needed to choose only one man. Then they prayed, “Lord, you know everyone’s heart. Show us which of these two you have chosen to take over this apostolic ministry…then they cast lots, and the lot fell to Matthias; so he was added to the eleven apostles” (Acts 1:24-26).

Let’s carefully observe the process. An atmosphere of prayer captured the room. In other words, there was a corporate sense of dependence on God to direct them in making the right decision. In addition, they expressed a sense of transparency when they prayed, “Lord, you know everyone’s heart…”. Such vulnerability was a reflection of their unbiased quest to choose the better man. They saw their role as identifying God’s choice. But how was God’s choice to be identified?

For them, the process of choice had to reflect the character of God – the process had to be just. An unjust system would not reflect God’s choice. But was there a system that reflected justice and could guarantee unbiased results? A system where the outcome could not be pre-determined by the electors. It was with that desire in mind, the disciples chose to cast lots.

Casting lots was an ancient practice used to make decisions or determine a divine choice. It involved using small objects—such as stones, sticks, or pieces of pottery—that were cast or thrown to produce a random result, similar to drawing straws, rolling dice, or flipping a coin. While the exact method used was a human choice, the outcome was not. The outcome was unknown. The book of Proverbs expressed it this way: “The lot is cast into the lap, but its every decision is from the Lord”(Prov. 16:33).

I wish I could say that this method is always practiced when leaders are to be appointed in churches. Some groups require unanimity among electors. Such a system erroneously suggests that “the voice of the people is the voice of God”. And, at times, allow a minority to undermine the desire of a majority.

Some other groups make decisions based on consensus. Such decisions lack specificity in decision-making and often result in unexpressed discontentment. Very often I have found the private ballot system to be the least contentious. It respects the opinion of each elector and contributes to decency and order. Godly people respect the process and the outcome of the leaders chosen.

At times, the Holy Spirit speaks through electors and identify specific persons for the task ahead. One such case appeared in the church at Antioch. Luke recorded that while they were worshiping the Lord and fasting, the Holy Spirit said, “Set apart for me Barnabas and Saul for the work to which I have called them” (Acts 13:2). The church responded appropriately by commissioning both gentlemen to ministry. I often wonder though, through whom did the Holy Spirit convey that instruction? And also, is my church sufficiently sensitive to the voice of the Holy Spirit today?

 

I WAS NO MAMA'S PET

I am the fifth of six children. In addition, I am the fourth of four boys. Based on ranking among my siblings, I did not qualify to be Mama’s pet. I was one of the children. And that was okay, because mother was fair. From my perspective, she showed no partiality.

Her fair and balanced leadership was evident in the care she provided. I was raised in a one-pot family. We all ate what was provided from mother’s kitchen. We never went to school hungry. We knew nothing about wearing soiled clothing. My khaki pants were starched and well-ironed. Her full time job was to care for us and my hard working dad.

Dad was a committed blacksmith and Mom managed the home. Although a disciplinarian in her own rights, you knew you were in big trouble when she said, “you wait until your Dad gets home”. He was the senior leader at our local church, and she was his able supporter. He was literally strict and inflexible. He would probably prefer to describe himself as consistent and reliable. To lead six Caribbean children in the mid-twentieth century required less rigidity and more diplomacy. Mom provided that.

She displayed that diplomacy when one of my brothers left home. Dad gave him an ultimatum and he chose to leave. Dad never expected him to take that option, but he did. The tension in the home was very obvious – Dad’s authority was challenged. Dad realized if my brother were to return, he would need to soften his stance – but that seemed unlikely. Diplomacy was necessary, and mother stepped-in. In Dad’s absence, she began her search for her prodigal son. She pleaded with him to return home. However, before he attempted to return, she negotiated with my Dad. My brother returned, and according to Dad, “it was because of your Mother”.

From my perspective as a teenager, Mom was the champion. She possessed the negotiating skills to pull together two prodigals – one who left home and the other who left his compassion. I could only observe that event, because Mom never shared any negative opinions about Dad with her children. We were always encouraged to respect Dad. She was his faithful supporter and strong manager in his absence.

At Mom’s 100^th Birthday celebration, accolades came from numerous quarters. My wife did a monologue of Mom’s life. Launa sat like Mom with the 100 family members and guests drinking-in every word. She imitated Mom’s Trinidad accent and described how she interacted with each of her six children. Mom laughed her head off, expressing surprise at how accurately her Jamaican daughter-in-law depicted her life.

My mother and Launa had an amazing relationship. That seemed inevitable, in that it was Mom’s influence that affected my choice of a life companion. Unconsciously, I found someone who displayed Mom’s godly traits. Someone who understood and valued family loyalty. Someone who disliked small-talk and gossip. For almost forty years, Mom and Launa related to each other as Mother and daughter. On many occasions Launa challenged my insensitive male ego and reminded me to nurture my mother.

Shortly after celebrating her 102^nd birthday, Mom left us with her memories. Among those memories were her meetings with Launa’s mother. Although old enough to be Launa’s mother, Mom never assumed that posture. They related to each other as sisters. Their meetings were always cordial and respectful. Launa’s mother often was the center of attraction at family gatherings. She brought youth, skill and much humor. My mother relished those moments. She also grieved with us when Launa’s mother left us five years before Mom did.

Like my mother, Launa reminds me to be more frugal. Whereas Launa worked in banking, I never saw my mother go into a bank. Dad entrusted Mom with funds, especially when he was building our first family home. Mom demonstrated banking skills she never learned in a classroom. I can recall hearing my Dad tell the story of needing to pay workmen on the building site. That weekend he did not have enough funds for the no-mortgage project. He shared his plight with Mom. To his surprise, she produced a pan in which she had been saving funds he gave her for managing the home. She had just enough to avoid work stoppage on the site of construction. That kind of frugality Launa continues to display – without a pan from under the bed.

Agreed, my mother is not around to celebrate Mother’s Day 2025 with me. That’s okay, she has left me with enough memories. Her legacy continues through another Mother – the mother of our three adult children. A mother who understands sacrifice and self-less nurturing. A mother who interjects flexibility when my sternness is not working.

Years ago, I was of the opinion that becoming a mother allowed my wife to maximize her potential as a woman. Then she became a grandmother. What a difference! She has gone beyond maximizing potential. As expressed in Proverbs 31:29, I can also say, “many women do noble things, but you surpass them all”.

Happy Mother’s Day to the nurturing women sharing this commentary. You have encouraged many, and today we rise up to salute and celebrate you and your extraordinary service.