LESSONS FROM MY CHILDREN

 

On Father’s Day we traditionally reflect on the importance of fathers and the impact they have on children. This year, I am choosing to reflect on the impact children have on fathers. This topic would not be discussed when I was a child. I was raised at a time when it appeared as though children were to be seen and not heard. Their opinions rarely mattered. The opinions of children seem to matter only in response to information provided – like in an exam room.

Interestingly, our children expressed themselves. Rudeness was not allowed, but opinions were encouraged. It was that freedom that allowed our son to respond, “me and you alone?” He was responding to my invitation to have breakfast with him. The teenager continued, “what is there to talk about?” However, a few years later, after having breakfast with him alone, he phoned his mother to report that he had just experienced the best two hours of his life. He admitted to her that he never realized that his Dad was so wise.

Years later, his younger sister resented the counsel I provided regarding a particular matter. Without uttering the words, her body language suggested that I was out of touch with her generation. As she matured, a friend counseled her about a more appropriate way to handle a matter. She thought her friend’s counsel was profound. I gently reminded her that it was the same counsel I gave to her years earlier. To this she replied, “Daddy, you were correct then, but I was not ready to receive it.” 

Wow! Both she and her brother taught me that wise counsel must be age appropriate both in delivery and receptivity. Recipients must be sufficiently mature to value the counsel given. As parents, we often assume that the children need our wisdom, but we need to be equally aware that they may not be sufficiently prepared to apply that truth from us. At times, they receive that same truth from others. For this we must be grateful, even though we were not the messengers.

From childhood, our three children respected my role as their father. That respect extended to my role as teacher which was shared outside the home. Our eldest daughter tested my teacher role when she was preparing for college. She was prepared to pursue her studies in Architecture. At that time, my wife and I were pursuing advanced studies. Although funds were scarce, we were determined to assist her to realize her dreams. 

After much research, we had to choose between two universities. One was our daughter’s choice. It was the better school, but also the more expensive school. Because of the cost, I encouraged her to consider the less expensive school. To this she replied, “Daddy, whichever I choose, you will have to trust God to provide the funds for us. Why can’t you trust God to provide for the better school?” I had no reply, and she applied and graduated from the better school.

That question has resurfaced so often in other situations – why can’t you trust God for the better school? That question has driven me to pursue excellence and resent mediocrity. As a Christian minister, it has radicalized my understanding of God’s ability to provide. Far too often we associate God with the less elegant and call it modesty. Sometimes we even embrace cheapness and shoddiness and believe we are being gracious. 

At this season in my life I embrace a God who invites me “to sing new songs” to Him. That is an invitation to be innovative, to be spontaneous and to be creative. Even in describing a scene in heaven, John wrote, “The sound I heard was like that of harpists playing their harps. And they sang a new song before the throne…” (Revelation 14:2-3).

On this Father’s Day, I thank God for my children, and now my grandchildren. They are continuing to teach me that it is okay to trust God for something better. They remind me that it is godly to pursue excellence and creativity.

WHEN LEADERS FIGHT

 In his volume, A Knot of Vipers, Francois Mauriac (1885-1970), tells the story of an old man who spent the last decades of his marriage, in the same house, but down the hall from his wife. A rift opened 30 years earlier about whether the husband showed enough concern, when their five-year-old daughter took ill. Neither husband nor wife was willing to take the first step to bring healing. Every night they waited for each other to initiate an approach. Neither one would break the cycle that began decades earlier. Neither will forgive.

The absence of forgiveness kills joy and creates toxic relationships. If you doubt me, ask President Donald Trump and Elon Musk. After what appeared to be a cordial working relationship, Musk expressed his disagreement with the Congressional spending bill. He thought it was “a disgusting abomination”. That led to the two leaders trading fierce social barbs.

Thankfully, at the time of writing this commentary, the leaders began to soften their toxic rhetoric. The President was “open to reconciling” and Elon Musk had regrets for posts about the President. Hopefully, this toning down will lead to apologies about personal attacks. Whereas disagreeing with policy is okay, assassinating one’s character is unacceptable. That kind of warfare is unproductive and costly.

Since the public spat began, Musk’s Tesla stock price plunged by 14%, wiping out more than $150 billion from its market cap. The prospect of Musk’s SpaceX losing even some of its government contracts would hurt. Could a drawn-out fight mean that Trump would somehow hamstring Musk’s xAI even as he champions other American artificial intelligence companies? The truth is, should reconciliation fail, both men and many others will suffer greatly. 

If we could only give more thought to “the others who suffer greatly”, many of our conflicts will be resolved more speedily. Conflict resolution requires vulnerability, humility, truthfulness, respectful communication techniques, mutually beneficial collaboration and de-escalation techniques.

The apostle Paul recommended some of these conflict management principles when he responded to two church sisters who experienced conflicts  (Philippians 4:2-3). Paul’s wording would suggest that this was a personal disagreement or a clash of personalities. To mention the names of the conflicting women in a public letter, could suggest that the issue became a threat to the church.

The nature of Paul’s appeal for resolution further suggests the magnitude of the problem. He repeats the use of the verb beseech to ensure that each woman was appropriately addressed. His appeal was simple – “agree with each other.” In other words, be at one in your mental attitude. The women were allowing their differing opinions to affect their attitudes to each other. Their personal differences seemed to be more important than the welfare of others. In conflict management, personal differences must be balanced properly. Otherwise, our differences can undermine progress and stifle diversity and variety. For Paul, and hopefully for us, the welfare of others must remain primary in managing conflict.  

The victims in any conflict are usually more than the warring parties. The warring parties usually suspend the strengths that unite them and resort to behavior that divide. Paul used an athletic metaphor to describe how the women contended with him in ministry. Like in a tug-of-war game, they struggled together.  They had a common goal and achieved much. Contenders for the faith became contentious in behavior. That behavior was ruining their reputation and legacy. Their disagreement was also disrupting existing opportunities for ministry.

From his prison cell, Paul recommended three principles for resolving conflicts:

1. Look for impartial counselors;

2. Appeal to common bonds; and

3. If necessary, suffer personal loss, because of “those who will suffer greatly”.

In the interest of “those who will suffer greatly”,  it is preferred that we learn to forgive, and to practice using terms like “I am sorry “and “I apologize”. Recent research in the Social Sciences confirms that “forgiveness releases an offender from prolonged anger, rage and stress that have been linked to physiological problems, such as cardiovascular diseases, high blood pressure, hypertension, cancer and other psychosomatic illnesses.” And, never forget the biblical teaching, “if it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18).

IS MY CHURCH A CULT?

No church is perfect. Since Jesus stated, “…I will build my church and the gates of Hades will not overcome it” (Matthew 16:18), the church has been confronted with numerous challenges. Because of these challenges, the church has become more resilient as a community of overcomers. 

Strategies of overcoming were evident from within the New Testament. The fledgling church confronted Jewish influences. Among them was Apollos, a native of Alexandria. “He knew only the baptism of John.” When Priscilla and Aquila heard him, “they invited him to their home and explained the way of God more adequately” (Acts 18:24).

Other confrontations required more than a home visit. Some opponents were reprimanded publicly, some were shunned and even excommunicated. In each case, an assessment was necessary, and the appropriate discipline applied. Discipline was applied after determining if the issues concerned doctrinal beliefs or the practicing of those beliefs.

Sometimes we describe deviant behavior among Christian groups as cultic. Cultic groups are usually led by charismatic and self-appointed leaders, who tightly control members, requiring unwavering devotion to a set of beliefs. Here are a few forms of control that cultic groups normally display:

■ Behavior Control: An individual’s associations, living arrangements, food, clothing, sleeping habits, finances, etc., are strictly controlled.
■ Information Control: Cult leaders deliberately withhold or distort information, lie, propagandize, and limit access to other sources of information.

■ Thought Control: Cult leaders use loaded words and language, discourage critical thinking, bar any speech critical of cult leaders or policies, and teach an “us vs. them” doctrine.
■ Emotional Control: Leaders manipulate their followers via fear (including the fear of losing salvation, fear of excommunication, etc.), guilt, and indoctrination.

Earlier, we established that the church belongs to Jesus. The apostle Paul contended that “Jesus loved the church and gave himself up for her…” (Ephesians 5:25). Hence, it is reasonable to expect members of the church to know, love and obey the Owner. Cults have a problem with knowing, loving and obeying Jesus. Some see Him as an angel, a mere prophet, a shaman or even a guru. 

The core of the Christian message is the historical Jesus of the New Testament. In his letter to the Galatians, Paul contends, any message without the historical Jesus as the center, is not the Christian message. Jesus deserves more than a prominent place, he must have the only place. “If anyone,” contends Paul, “ is preaching to you a gospel other than what you accepted, let them be under God’s curse” (Galatians 1:9).

Cultic leaders normally see themselves, or are seen by followers, as chosen by and as authoritative as Jesus. They demand absolute obedience as Jesus would. Their writings are revered as the teachings of Jesus. Some cultic leaders would even claim exclusive access to Jesus via dreams and revelational insight. 

That alleged insight authorizes them to ignore acceptable principles of interpreting the Scriptures. They show total disregard for orthodoxy and scholarship with the wider community of faith. Coupled with this is an attitude of isolation and exclusivism. They listen to no one else but themselves. They see themselves as beyond needing counsel from other leaders within the community of faith. Following the dictates of their founder, one group sees itself as the remnant church. In essence, we are the true church. 

Now if you witness these cultic outcomes, along with fiscal mismanagement and inappropriate sexual behavior among your leaders, you need to withdraw from that group. You need to seek help from others in the wider community of believers. You need to consider Paul’s words to the Colossians: “See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the elemental spiritual forces of this world rather than on Christ” (Colossians 2:8).