SUBMISSION AND SACRIFICE IN MARRIAGE

 

Even within Christian marriages, many are repulsed by the word submission. They believe the idea of submission is to condone abusive behavior. The perception is to see the idea as subjugating and relegating women to an inferior place in a marriage. From my studies, I would agree that many women continue to be subjected to despicable abuse, under the guise of being submissive. However, that understanding of abuse is because of ignorance. A proper understanding of submission in Christian marriages is totally different.

The idea of submission in marriage comes from Paul’s letter to the Ephesians – “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22). Interestingly, the word “submit” in this verse, does not appear in the original Greek text. However, the absence of the word, does not mean the absence of the idea. The idea comes from the previous verse – “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21). So the context justifies the inclusion of the word in English translations.

The word “submit” appears as a participle in the original text. As a participle, it is linked to a main verb. Actually, it is the last of four participles that are linked to the main verb. The main verb appears in verse 18 – “… be filled/controlled with the Spirit…”. Paul’s argument is simple, when one is controlled by the Holy Spirit, that encounter is displayed in four areas of our lives. He identifies each area with following participles:

1) … speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit;

2) … singing and making melody from your heart to the Lord;

3) … giving thanks to God the Father for everything…; and

4) … submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

That is the context from which Paul instructs women to submit to their own husbands. Initially, there is a submitting to each other. Functionally, there is a submitting to one’s husband, “as you do to the Lord”. Paul contends that the function is a part of God’s order, and he teaches what that order should look like in the following verse – “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything” (Ephesians 5:24).

But what does it mean for the church to submit to Christ? It means that the universal church acknowledges her relationship with Christ. A relationship characterized by recognizing His authority, obedience to His teachings, dependence on His provision,  alignment with desires and trust in His leadership. The church’s submissive response to that relationship is expressed in worship, discipleship, community life and mission.

Paul is arguing that the same attitude that guides the church’s response to Christ, that same attitude should guide a woman’s response to her husband. That attitude incorporates respect, admiration, support and deference for her husband. Like with the church to Christ, this attitude is a response to values and virtues that elevate. In order for a response to be authentic, it must be voluntary. It cannot be demanded. If demanded, a response would then be forced and cannot be genuine.

Paul then turns to husbands and instructs them to “… love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her…” (Ephesians 5:25). The word Paul uses, is the most noble of the Greek words for love. It is not a romantic or sexual word. The word is characterized by empathy and selflessness. The original word used here is an act of one’s will. It is an intentional choice that one makes to desire the best for another. It is a willingness to sacrifice pride, one’s reputation or even one’s perceived rights. Any expression of this love requires a sacrifice. It requires the husband to put his needs and well-being of the wife above his own interests.

Just as Christ’s love for the church is expected to have a purifying and nurturing effect, a husband’s love is expected to do the same for his wife. In other words, a husband’s contribution should set the tone for positive virtues and values in his marriage. In order to express His love for the church, Christ gave His life for the church. Similarly, husbands are expected to love their wives just as much as they love themselves.

The fact that this kind of information seems foreign to our thinking, it is not because the Bible is outdated, rather, it is because our society has moved away from a biblical understanding of marriage. Unfortunately, many in the church have also moved away from that understanding. The outcome of this drift is evident in the dysfunctional marriages seen in our churches today.

Paul was correct – “… this is (marriage) a profound mystery” (Ephesians 5:32). Paul saw marriage as a picture of the relationship between Jesus Christ and the church. It is in light of that reality, we must ask the question, what kind of picture am I painting with my marriage? As others look at my marriage, do they get a good idea of the relationship between Christ and His church?